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The Deteriorating Quality of Marital Relationships
” Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh”– Bible
‘Marriage’ is not just a word but an emotion. It is not just spiritual, communion and passionate embraces but is way more than that. Marriage not only enlarges the scenes of happiness but also the scenes of our miseries. A marriage of love is pleasant, of interest, easy, and where both meet, ‘happy’ . You might be thinking how come a young person like me, define:marriages. How can a person who has not experienced it yet tell about the pros and cons of marriage. However let me state some facts that, at this point of age where people like me are dealing with ‘teenage limbo‘, the emotional understanding deepens. The way we look at things changes. Being a fresher to this game we tend to understand it in a better way. Hence today this blog is a result of what I saw, what I heard, what I read and my understanding about relationships.
“Humans are emotional creatures and we’re wired to be nurtured and cared for during, are slow development”.
It is believed that humans are social creatures, we can’t remain alone. We are dependent on others to nurture, protect and comfort us. Sometimes we instead of feeling comfortable with our family, find peace with somebody else it might be a woman or a man. However being in a society like ours people start questioning and hence this is where marriage came into picture. As we all know the actual purpose of a marriage was to act as an alliance between families. Most people married not because they were in love but for economic liaisons. However as we say time changes and so do people, it was during the middle ages that love became one of the important points to be seen while marrying somebody. But as the saying goes by, life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. People tend to redefine things according to their needs. Nothing is safe from this revolution called change even this concept of marriages.
The topic of my concern is the deteriorating quality of marital relationships.
Thanks to the joint family that I live in I get to see many couples around me. Couples from early age to the modern age. Many of my friends, colleagues are also getting married. Hence giving me a chance to explore this concept in a wider and deeper way. There are many divorced people around me too. I always had a question in my mind whenever I used to see couples shouting at each other, fighting with each other, how can people hurt the things they love? Why is it that we realise the importance of a thing only when it’s gone?.
In this 21st century we have been working so hard to improve things, modify them for our use however the only thing that we were unable to make better was the quality of relationships. In this fast going life we want someone who will help us tend to our needs but we, on our part are not ready to open our gates for the unconditional love waiting, in a fear that we too might have to give back the same. The thread joining us has become too fragile that even a single hit is enough to break it and make us crumble to our feet. We don’t let our love grow, we let grow before time resulting in separation.
So I decided to conduct a survey on people around me and ask them the reasons for them being unhappy or happy in their relationships and what lessons would they like to pass on to others if they could! I narrowed down the list of all the suggestions for the people who are going to open this new chapter of their lives hoping they will make an apt choice.
*Be Together For The Right reasons.
Let me be straight love is not enough for a marriage to be successful. It’s better to look for other things to like, is the other person, understanding, supportive, the way the other person behaves when in doubt and what not. Moreover don’t ever be with someone because someone else pressured you. I have seen people who are together not because they admired each other but because they thought that this was something that was the need of the hour. Then there were people who married each other with a desire to use the love of someone else to soothe their own emotional problems. However these compromises only lead to an unhappy and short lived marriage ultimately troubling not only the ones in it but the ones around you.
*Have Realistic Expectations About Relationships.
We are a generation who grew up watching movies like Titanic, Romeo and Juliet, A Walk To Remember, Before Sunrise, The Notebook and many more which aren’t even close to reality. We develop a fictional character inside and try to find the same qualities in the other people around and when we are unable to find it we get dejected and miserable. I myself am a dreamer and hence can understand it in a better way and would even like to narrate a poem which I myself wrote on the same..
There was a princess and a prince whenever she used to be in danger the prince would come and aid her needs and eventually they would ride off to a better future and living their life happily.
As a person she grew up listening to stories like this hoping for a prince who will come, riding on a white horse to save her, to be with her, to complete her notion of happily ever after. However the world made sure that she should taste the reality and hence the girl who used to believe in fairy tales now consider them erroneous, false and inept.
It’s high time we get over this and understand that true form of love is unglamorous. It is not necessary that it will always make you happy— nor should they! And understand the fact that even you have to compromise not only the other. If you want someone to rely on, become the shoulder for them to cry on.
*The Most Important Factor in a Relationship Is Respect and Communication .
Even after changing and coming so far in time where we say we consider both men and women as equals (but actually we don’t ), the time when even women are the earning members of the house then why is it still considered that they are inferior and are considered responsible for all the household chores. It’s high time we understand that “marriage is three meals a day, sharing the workload and remembering to carry out trash”. If we want respect, we have to give it first.
Technology has brought us close, so close that it’s impossible to breathe. Our physical presence has been replaced by texts, voice messages, video calls. We don’t feel the need to spend time together anymore, we have too much of each other already and as a result the face to face communication have vanished. Earlier people used to meet at coffee shops, libraries, through friends , relatives and hence had a curiosity to know each other but today everyone is so open about themselves, and the topics to talk about decreases. Hence a happy marriage requires more of a face to face communication rather than getting along through these electronic devices.
*The Need Of Giving Each Other Their Personal Space.
One of the most important thing people said was that we should have our own personal space and provide one to the other too. Some people are afraid to give their partners freedom and independence. This is because of the trust issues and the insecurities that if they let their partner free they will realize that they don’t want to be with us anymore. But don’t you think, The chandeliers of the outer world can sway your partner then let them be. Don’t force them to look, what they will lose. If you love your partner enough you will let them be who they are, you don’t own them, who they hang with, what they do or how they feel.
*Consider fighting as a normal thing and learn to forgive ..
As I mentioned above a perfect love is unglamorous. “The relationship is a living, breathing thing. Much like the body and muscles, it cannot get stronger without stress and challenge. You have to fight. You have to hash things out. Obstacles make the marriage.”–Ryan
For a healthier relationship it is important that you don’t hold back things if you have a problem with something, speak out, don’t adjust as such but let the other person know their problems, what they are lacking and things that they need to change. I have seen people who are just destroying their relationships from within hoping that the other person will understand himself/ herself that something has to be changed.Moreover the couple’s need to understand that in a marriage there is no such thing like winning an argument. If you end up being the right one just end the discussion right there. Forgive the other person and don’t ever let this fight affect your rest life. People tend to argue even at little things but the mantra of a happy marriage life is choose your battles carefully. Some things matter, most do not. Fight only when necessary and rest ignore and let it be because it is not only you who is under pressure but the other one too..
*Learn To Deal With The Ups and Downs Of This Roller Coaster Ride.
As humans we are constantly changing. Even our emotions are undergoing a drastic change. Even the love is constantly changing.Sometimes you feel a deep love and satisfaction, other times you want nothing to do with your spouse; sometimes you laugh together, sometimes you’re screaming at each other. It’s like a roller-coaster ride, ups and downs all the time, but as you stay together long enough, the downs become less severe, and the ups are more loving and contented. So even if you feel like you could never love your partner any more, that can change, if you give it a chance.
The age at which we are, the world in which we are is far more difficult than we thought. We are a generation of deceived people. Many of us just to get rid of the loneliness trusted the wrong people and got our heart broken so badly that we fear to trust anyone else. But that is not how it works. Not everyone are the same and we can’t stay alone. Every person that comes to our life will give us something even if it’s a lesson. Don’t give up too fast, try to understand the other and the situations they might be facing. We all got to understand the fact that if we are together that is for a reason and instead of finding reasons to run away try to stick around, understand and grow out of it together. Do not complain about your partner to anyone. Love them for who they are. Trust each other.Go to counseling now before you need it so that you are both open to working on the relationship together. Remember that there is nothing you can’t conquer and Love is not something that you do for yourself, it’s what you do to serve others.
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